13 mistakes that will ruin your chances of getting hired by me.

I was recently hiring an assistant.  Overwhelmed with the responses and appalled at some of the errors, I thought I’d share with you some insights based on the responses I received.  If anything, it might make you feel a little bit better about yourself!

You called me Sir.  Last time I checked, I was not knighted by the Queen.  And more importantly, I’m not a male.  Go back to your medieval castle.  No, better yet…off with your head!

You replied back with your resume.  That’s it.  Nothing else.  You know what?  I’m going to spend as much time on you as you did on me.  You pressed Send.  I’ll press Delete.

You sent me a .wps or .rtf file.  Hate to break it to you, but Microsoft Word is the word processor of the world.  If you’re not using it, it tells me that you’re not up to date on technology.  I can’t believe you used Works to do your resume.  What are you working on?  A PC Junior?  Do you even know what a PC Junior is?

Your formatting stinks.  I can’t even believe how horrible your resume looks.  Different typestyles, different point sizes, the margins aren’t consistent.  You should have PDF’d the document so what I see is what you sent.

You have a typo.  Yes, it’s there.  Right in the section where you tell me you have “ecxellent attention to detail.”

You may have made a mistake…but I can’t take the risk:  “I am computer illiterate.”  Yikes.  Thanks for sharing.  Why did you even apply?  Maybe the Amish are hiring.

Your reason for me hiring you:  “I’m currently unemployed and need work.”  Well, I currently need to win the lottery, but that doesn’t mean the guy pulling out the Bingo Balls is going to draw my number, does it?  Give me a real reason…like what you might be able to do for me – given the job requirements.

You spelled Advisor wrong.  You obviously didn’t give spelling advice.  And “temparary” – way to sound it out.  Don’t you know that the red underline means the word is spelled wrong?  I’ll give you temparary.  Delete.

You gave me too much information in the name of your document.  LizSmithCorrectedResume.  Glad you corrected it…but did you have to tell me that you had an incorrect version?  This was one of my favorites:  Moms Resume.  Hey Mom…are your kids returning the favor for all of the homework you did for them in school?  Are you going to have them do your job for you once you’re hired as well?

You gave me your My Space link.  How old are you?  Twelve?  I don’t want to see your My Space account.  I don’t want to know that you even have a My Space account.

Your email has the name of an animal in it.  Bunny, snow leopard, tigress.  That is sooooo adorable.  How can I possibly take you seriously with an email like that?

You put the wrong job title in your cover letter.  Hey…I know you’re applying for other positions…but at least try to make me feel a little bit special.  If you’re going to customize the letter, get it right.

You wrote something really strange.  “I was entertained with the large variety of activities.”  What?  Did you work for the circus?  Sounds like you just sat back and watched while everyone else worked.  I don’t need to hire a spectator who sits on his rear all day long and is entertained.  Then again, you’re the same person that told me “I self-teach and individually learn programs.”  Wow, you both teach yourself and learn them individually.  What an accomplishment…for a Siamese Twin joined at hip (Maybe you really are in the circus?).  Why don’t you go back to grade school and self-teach yourself some English.

Has this challenging job search caused you to lose all levels of enthusiasm?  Maybe it’s partially your fault.  All I can say is clean up your act.  If you’re going to spend the time applying to positions, at least make it professional.  Fix the typos.  PDF the professional-looking resume.  Send me a cover letter that speaks to the requirements of the position.  And make yourself sound like an interesting, exciting, intelligent (and fun) person that my business absolutely can’t do without.